Programmer by Day

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Humour

  • strict warning: Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module on line 842.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_argument::init() should be compatible with views_handler::init(&$view, $options) in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_argument.inc on line 745.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_validate() should be compatible with views_handler::options_validate($form, &$form_state) in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc on line 585.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter::options_submit() should be compatible with views_handler::options_submit($form, &$form_state) in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/handlers/views_handler_filter.inc on line 585.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_handler_filter_node_status::operator_form() should be compatible with views_handler_filter::operator_form(&$form, &$form_state) in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/modules/node/views_handler_filter_node_status.inc on line 14.
  • strict warning: Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module on line 842.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_plugin_style_default::options() should be compatible with views_object::options() in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_style_default.inc on line 25.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_plugin_row::options_validate() should be compatible with views_plugin::options_validate(&$form, &$form_state) in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_row.inc on line 135.
  • strict warning: Declaration of views_plugin_row::options_submit() should be compatible with views_plugin::options_submit(&$form, &$form_state) in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/plugins/views_plugin_row.inc on line 135.
  • strict warning: Non-static method view::load() should not be called statically in /home/zai11652/public_html/sites/all/modules/views/views.module on line 842.

Timesheet Codes

TO:  ALL PERSONNEL
    FROM:  ACCOUNTING
     

    It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
    turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous
    Unproductive Time" (Code 0016).  To our department, unproductive time
    isn't a problem.  What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly
    what you are doing during your unproductive time.
     
    Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code

Economics by 2 cows

Economic models by two cows:

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some
milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one,
milks the other, then throws the milk away...

How the military see it

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.

We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.

We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.

They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.

We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.

We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.

We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.

Marriage Humour

Many a man owes his success to his first wife, and his second wife to his succes. - Jim Backus.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonete.

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
- Noel Coward, 1956

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the
house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Men Vs Women

MEN VS. WOMEN
A compiled edition from various sources
Women have many faults
Men only have 2
Everything they say
And everything they do

RELATIONSHIPS
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.

The difference is...

Drug Dealers

-------------------------

Software Developers

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Murphy's Laws on Technology

  1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
  2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
  3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some bloody fool discovers something which either abolished the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
  5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Real Programmers

Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer
10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the
worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
8. Indentation?! -
I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
7. What is this talk
of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases' Our software 'escapes'
leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.

HR Manager

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by
a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter
welcomed her.

"Before you get settled in" he said, "We have a little problem...you see,
we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and
we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman, "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're

Humour

Collection of material from assorted places, most if not all of this is probably available on the web in other places but what the heck, lets clutter it up some more.

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